Losing a baby before they are born is painful, heart wrenching, and it is so easy to blame ourselves for miscarrying. The torment of thinking of the “I should have done this” happens. Those words are your emotions talking, and in reality this is not true, as soon as we find out we are pregnant, we automatically start becoming careful, we:-
- Start eating more healthy, avoiding eating food which is not good for us,
- Have cravings
- The morning sickness,
- The sudden aversion to favourite food.
- Stop smoking and drinking, and also encourage our partners to do the same.
The truth is miscarriages occur in the first 20 weeks of pregnancy, and about 10 to 20 percent of pregnancies end in a miscarriage. 80 percent occur in the first 12 months.
As you may or may not know mourning and grieving after a miscarriage is absolutely normal for both parents as the loss is significant. It does not matter at what stage the miscarriage happened, you have lost your baby. If you are feeling guilty, shocked, not able to sleep, sadness, sudden anger at your partner, and other women who have had successful pregnancies, that is ok, and is natural. Allow yourself to know that these are feeling of grief, of loss and bereavement, and as such, some hospitals are able to arrange a memorial, burial service or a cremation. There is help out there, you just need to access it.
What can you do to help yourself move forward? What steps can you take towards healing?
Firstly know, counselling is available, this can be done either as a couple or individually, allowing yourself the opportunity to talk through your feelings and any emotions you are feelings. Sometimes we may feel emotions that we are ashamed or embarrassed of, in the therapy room, you will only receive understanding and no judgements.
You will be able to talk through any fears the miscarriage has left you with, any thoughts you have about trying for/not trying for another baby. This is all done in a safe environment. I am able to help you with that. I have a specialism in the area of infant loss and have accreditation (training) in this area.
Secondly, Share your pain with your partner, as you are both feeling the same loss. This will be an ideal time to bond together, and talk through any concerns you have about yourselves, about any medical conditions you have had previously, or any miscarriages you have had previously.
Speak to your doctor, consultant, midwife. They will be able to answer any initial concerns you have about the miscarriage. They will also be able to let you know when you can try for another baby, if this is what you want or need.
Finally, if possible, take time out to for yourself to heal. This could be just talking with close friends, or going away for a break. It is important to understand that is is not taking a holiday, it is time away to accept, and heal.
Organisations you can call for help
The Miscarriage Association, 01924 200799 (Open 9.00am – 4.00 Monday to Friday. www.miscarriageassociation.org,uk
Tommys, 020 7398 3400, Pregnancy Line, 0800 0147 800, (Open 9.00am – 5.00pm Monday to Friday, www.tommys.org